Top of the Pops: 30th June, 1977.

Brian May of Queen.
By Thomas Steffan by using Olympus Camedia C700 (Own work)
[GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-SA-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons

Yet again the BBC fails in its attempts to confuse me with scheduling chaos. And I find myself facing Noel Edmonds; a man so resolutely un-punk, in this heyday of the genre, that it's almost a punk statement in its own right. Could it be that Noel Edmonds was, in fact, in 1977, actually the most punk individual in the whole of the British Isles?

Someone who's definitely not punk is the opening act.

Who they are, I have no idea, as the show's back to its policy of opening with a turn I've never heard of.

Whoever they are, they're in a very 1970s' looking video.

But just look at that audience go! We must be back with Soul Train! If only we'd ever see that kind of life from a Top of the Pops audience.

But wait a minute! Something's wrong here! We're not on Soul Train at all!

That's the Top of the Pops studio and, miracle of miracles, it's the Top of the Pops audience who're frugging like their lives depend on it. Have the producers, shamed by the antics of Soul Train, finally snapped and threatened to shoot them if they don't move?

Frankly, not all of them look happy to be doing so, and some look positively reluctant. I can't help but think of those chickens that're made to dance by being stood on a hot metal plate.

Personally, I don't care how it was achieved, I'm happy just to see it happen.

At its climax, Noel appears on screen but he looks like he's been superimposed on the studio in much the same way as he seemed to have been superimposed on the 1970s' music scene.

Gladys Knight's back with that video.

This really is the silliest dance I've ever seen grown men do.

Keith Lemon John Miles is back with Slow Down.

And he's gained a pair of sunglasses since his last visit.

Interesting that Peter Frampton's tube's still world famous, while John Miles's is totally forgotten.

Noel tips it to get to Number 1, which I assume means it dropped off the chart the following week never to be heard of again.

Jesse Green's with us. Has he been on before? The name rings a bell but I don't recognise the face.

Either way, he's the living embodiment of White Suit Man.

This all seems a bit Sheffield Fiesta.

Not only that but it all sounds very familiar; like they've got the chord sequence of well-known song and played it backwards to disguise where it's come from.

Queen are back with Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy and the video we saw a couple of weeks ago.

Having already given the kiss of death to John Miles, Noel returns, with his record of the week.

It's by Cliff Richard and it shows how unsinkable Cliff's career is that it even managed to survive the endorsement of Edmonds.

Although I have to say I don't know this song at all.

I'm starting to realise why. On first hearing, it sounds like a meandering mess and has, “Flop,” written all over it.

Not that you could tell that to Noel who reappears at its conclusion to rave about how wonderful it is.

“When twelve legs get together, and a few other bits,” declares Noel. That's right, it's Legs and Co and their other bits, this time dancing to Feel The Need In Me by whoever it is.

Legs have been far too sensible lately.

And they continue that trend with a dance that seems to owe nothing in its execution to the lyrical content of the song they're dancing to.

Apparently the track was by the Detroit Emeralds.

But now it's Emerson, Lake and Palmer, with Fanfare For The Common Man, though the conceit of playing it in an empty Montreal Olympic stadium can't disguise the sheer silliness of the track.

A band who were rarely silly – except when they were singing about flying saucers - have grabbed the Number 1 slot.

It's Hot Chocolate, and it's their first ever chart topper, with So You Win Again.

For such a granny pleasing band, they were remarkably miserable. This was probably all for the best, as Errol really did have a wonderfully dry, glacial and downbeat voice.

But we finish with a burst of frustration, as we play out with Boney M and Ma Baker. It's not fair - Boney M always seem to be relegated to the play-out. Will we never get to see Bobby dancing?

To be honest, I do prefer the show when there's someone truly dreadful on it. In the absence of such an act, the show can seem terribly beige. For me, the ideal Top of the Pops has a nightmarish act, a stone-cold classic, a bit of punk, an ELO video and Jimmy Savile. Tonight's edition had none of the above. And so I can't help feeling - for all its solidity and the producer's attempts to liven up the audience - that, like John Miles's tube, it shall fade from the memory almost as soon as it's departed.

Top of the Pops: 2nd June, 1977.

Who'd have thought it'd be so hard to find a Free-Use
image of Twiggy?
In its place, here's one of former Hollywood wild-child
Drew Barrymore.
Michael Barrymore's catchphrase was, "Aw-wight?"
and sometime TOTP presenter Steve Wright had a hit
with I'm Alright. Therefore, Drew Barrymore has many
valid links with TOTP.
By David Shankbone (David Shankbone)
[GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html),
CC-BY-SA-3.0
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)
or CC-BY-SA-2.5-2.0-1.0
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5-2.0-1.0)],
via Wikimedia Commons

The nation may be vexed by talk of Jimmy Carr's financial doings but there's only one matter taxing Steve Does Top of the Pops right now.

And that's who's going to be Number 1 this week in 1977? Who'll be finding a safe haven of chart liquidity and who's to become adrift off the shores of achievement, entangled in the loopholes of failure?

Only Noel Edmonds can tell us - for it is he who's to guide us tonight through the balance sheets of Nostalgia.

He wants to borrow my cheeky bits. I won't let him. I need my cheeky bits. I don't know what I need them for but I feel it's best to keep them close to hand, just in case.

Speaking of hands, someone has his on a piano.

It seems he belongs to Elkie Brooks who's doing a song I've never heard before in my entire life.

After the way thing have gone in recent times, it's now clear that each week's opening slot on Top of the Pops is reserved for songs I don't recognise.

It's all very jolly, whatever it is, but you do wonder if anyone at the record company really thought it had hit potential. I think it probably sums it up that I half expect Jools Holland to appear and join in.

Now that it's over, Noel tells us it's called Saved.

Sadly no one's saved us from the horror that's to come next as we get the Muppets and Halfway Down the Stairs.

I hated it at the time. Will 35 years of not having heard it have softened my heart?

No.

It won't.

Not only that but it's bringing back terrible memories of Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.

Yes I know Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop was a totally different act but, spiritually, it's hard to spot the difference.

The only thought that impresses me is the Muppets have nicer banisters than I do.

Now it's the Four Seasons and something that's either called Rhapsody or Vaseline. Noel's intro's got me confused.

It's another one I've never heard before. So far it's not sounding riveting.

In fact, they seem to be going for Liverpool Express's title of the world's most comatose group.

Even the presence of a balloon on stage can't create a sense of spontaneity.

Finally rid of the Four Seasons, we're joined by Twiggy.

She's doing that song the Three Degrees had a hit with. I was until now totally unaware Twiggy'd ever done a version of it.

Out of four songs on the show so far, I've only ever heard one before – and that was by the Muppets. It's not shaping up to be a vintage week.

In fairness, this is a perfectly functional version and she has a perfectly pleasant voice. You can't get round it though; she does have the eyes of a a murderer.

Now It's Jesse Green - and another one I've never heard of.

Whoever he is, he's very patriotic, with a great big Union Flag behind him, surrounded by light bulbs. Was this to do with the Silver Jubilee or was there some other reason for this rampant show of national pride?

Jesse's in an outfit that defies conventional description. He's wearing a hat The Shadow would wear if he wanted to look a berk, a tight leather jacket and what seems to be a very wide cravat.

The look might be distinctive but the song sounds like something you'd expect to hear on a cruise liner.

It's over - and we suddenly get a bizarre shot of vast acres of bare studio floor. Is this an accident or has the director decided this'll look somehow impressive?

Not that Legs and Co care. They're too busy dancing to Marvin Gaye.

I do quite like the lighting effects they're using for this performance - lights flashing on and off to highlight various different dancers. It was clearly choreographed back in the days before anyone cared about epilepsy.

No disrespect to Marvin but I'm getting a bored with him now. He seems to be dragging on forever.

Far livelier is Carole Bayer Sager with the same performance of You're Moving Out Today she did a couple of weeks ago.

I remember Jimmy Young playing this on his radio show at the time. That's not an interesting fact but it is at least a fact - and proof that I recognise something from this show.

She's doing her best but the Top of the Pops audience are as hard to please as ever.

Now it's the Strawbs with yet another one I've never heard of.

Weren't the Strawbs secretly the Monks who had a hit with Nice Legs, Shame About the Face? Or did I just imagine that?

The song itself has little life in it and sounds like a Kinks B-side.

Now Noel's interviewing the Alessi Brothers who seem about as excited to be there as the audience are.

Rod's still at Number 1. He seems to have been there all year. I'm starting to miss ABBA, especially as it's the same video every week.

Now Rod's gone and we play out with Genesis and yet another song I've never heard before.

Well, that was a very singular show, packed solid with songs with which I was previously unfamiliar, all of which made it clear very quickly why I was unfamiliar with them. Sadly, there was no Stranglers or Jam to up the energy levels – or even a Joy Sarney or Contempt to boggle the mind - so it just flopped there like a pancake someone had dropped and left half-hanging off a table with bits dropping onto the floor to be nibbled at by a bored-looking dog.

Who says this isn't the Steve Does Top of the Pops' Age of Simile?