|The Boomtown Rats' Bob Geldof|
by Helge Øverås (Own work)
[CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Straight away we're hit with the inevitable Magic Fly. In fact, I do believe the song was actually re-titled The Inevitable Magic Fly halfway through its chart run, to take its Top of the Pops ubiquity into account.
All sensible human beings love the record, of course but I am starting to wonder if someone in the band was related to the Director General. This has to be the eleventeenth week running they've been on.
From a band we know so well, to one I've never heard of. And if I had I'm sure I'd remember, as they go by the unwieldy but distinctive title of Hank the Knife and the Jets.
I don't like to be cruel but, so far, it's reminding me of Russ Abbott's attempts at rock and roll on his comedy show.
It also sounds like they're trying to jump on the Mud bandwagon three years after it left town.
There's some interesting Duane Eddyness on guitar.
There's some more Duane Eddyness on guitar.
In fact, I'd be so bold as to say there's too much Duane Eddyness for the good of a single record.
It's all over and, despite Hank and his guitarist's best efforts, I have to give it a thumbs-down I'm afraid.
DLT's back, accompanied by two young females. It's strange how everything that happens on the show seems to take on an oddly sinister air now.
Someone no one could ever label sinister are on next because it's La Belle Epoque and Black Is Black.
This is more like it. You can't beat a good bit of Boney M style Euro disco.
Well, as it turns out, you can. It's all pleasant but somehow lacks the M's magic. It also, for some reason, makes me think of Eruption and how much better than this their big hit was.
Packing more spirit than you can shake a stick at are the Stranglers, back with what has to be their greatest achievement - and one of the late 1970s' greatest records - No More Heroes.
It's a much more focused performance than their Go Buddy one. None of that messing around for them this time, just unalloyed stroppiness.
Showing no stroppiness at all, Legs and Co arrive to accompany The Best Of My Love by someone. DLT did tell us who it was but I missed it.
Is it me or are those tops dangerously see-through?
And yet, strangely, you can't see through them.
And I say that as someone who's sat three inches away from the screen.
It's almost over, and DLT's joined them on stage.
He's chasing one of them.
Oh dear. He's not doing the show's reputation any favours right now.
Leo Sayer's back with Thunder In My Heart. According to Dave, I'm going to love it.
I suspect I might not.
Still, I like to be nothing if not open-minded, and so I shan't pass judgement until it's over.
Leo's roaming around a seaside resort that I don't recognise. I'm going to assume it's either Brighton or Margate but have no reason whatsoever to think it's either.
Wherever he is, Leo really does sound like he's being strangled.
A helter skelter! Helter skelters are looming large in my life right now, for reasons I can't go into.
But Leo's gone and I can confirm that I did indeed not enjoy it..
DLT probably doesn't care about that.
Because he's back with another young woman.
And now there's two more young women, as Baccara appear, with Yes Sir, I can Boogie.
They're borrowing Donna Summer's groaning.
Frankly, this is terrible. It'd be nice to say it has a kitsch charm but it doesn't. It's just dull, thinly sung and pointless.
Dave's back with two more young women.
The Boomtown Rats are back - without young women - and still Looking After Number 1.
Bob does look surprisingly neat and tidy for this performance.
I spot pogo-ing in the audience. This gives me great pleasure.
With another young woman.
And another young woman appears. It's Meri Wilson doing her novelty hit Telephone Man.
I always wanted a phone like that. I wonder if you can still get them?
I hated this song at the time and I hate it now. It really is is dreary.
In fact, I'm bored already.
But, suddenly, we get a shock.
Because Dave Lee Travis isn't with a young woman.
He introduces us to Stardust, yet another act I've never heard of.
The singer seems to be a cross between Stan Boardman and a jar of marmalade.
They might be Swedish and therefore could be cruelly labelled the band that ABBA could have been if no one had liked them but they actually sound more like that lot who were on last week - the ones who'd been in the Strawbs.
Just to up the ante dramatically, Dave Lee Travis is back with four young women.
Elvis Presley doesn't care about that. He's still dead and still at Number 1 - two things that tend to make one oblivious to scandal.
And we play out with a track by Stevie Wonder that I'm totally incapable of identifying. Whatever it is, it sounds quite appealing. And I say that as someone who's not a natural fan of Stevie.
To be honest, tonight's show wasn't what could be called a cracker.
In fact, it was pretty sub-par, with the highlight being the Stranglers and the low-light being Stardust. Too many acts had a tired, dated or over-familiar feel to them. And, yet, too many felt deservedly unfamiliar. The warming ray of light cast upon us a couple of weeks ago feels already like a false dawn and we can only hope things liven up next week.